Have you ever noticed how many people claim to know Olympic athletes? I mean seriously, there is a designated Olympic athlete from every small town in America. Now why is that, and why have we never heard of these athletes others claim to know?
With the 2010 Winter Olympics quickly approaching, it got me thinking about how many proud Americans represent the red, white and blue and we never know it because their events are not shown on TV. These are the obscurely gifted athletes. They are the athletes that belong on ESPN’s “The Ocho.” Basically, they are the world-class athletes of sports nobody cares about.
Now with such an audacious statement in mind, just for kicks and giggles let’s take a look not at the wide world of sports, but at the really wide world of sports, so some of those less than notable sports may gain a little attention. (Oh, and B-T-Dub, I did start out this article like a Jerry Seinfeld joke… something I’ve always wanted to do.)
For the sake of this article, a sport no one cares about is generally defined by one’s inability to name a single athlete in the sport, one’s willingness to change the channel if it came on the tube and the general lack of athleticism necessary to play the sport. Here are some sports nobody cares about:
Curling: The Canadians have officially done it; they’ve created the most boring sport in the history of physical exercise. I am not sure of the full origins of the sport, but it would not surprise me if some Eskimo housewives got tired of sweeping their ice floor after their husbands kept tracking in snow so they “curled” stones at them. Regardless of its history, curling has done the impossible; it has made friction more boring than scientists ever thought possible.
Fencing: A lot of skill is involved in being a fencer. Unfortunately, zero entertainment value is involved; thus, nobody cares about the sport. During the last Summer Olympics I was watching Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh doing work on some European beach volleyball team when they switched the action to fencing. After waking up and wiping the drool off the remote, I switched the channel.
Figure Skating: Bring Kristi Yamaguchi and Todd Hamilton because we all could care less about whoever is skating it up these days for the home team. I don’t care how many triple salchows you can do; unless Todd’s out there busting out back-flips in a tuxedo unitard, I’m going to go watch paint dry for relief of the boredom.
Ribbon Twirling: You’ve got to be kidding me. If the whole world were to vote one sport off the sporting world island it would be ribbon twirling. In an “event” (I am having trouble actually classifying it as a sport) where the goal is to mesmerize the judges with neon colored ribbons and rhinestone-covered clothing, I think the world championships were held in a junior high wrestling gym in Maine.
Shuffleboard: This is where it all goes down on retirement cruises. Geezers slide it to the death (two grandmas enter, one grandma leaves!) in a game where your agility, physical strength and eyesight are none of the necessary keys to winning. The only intimidation factor is who can get their pants to ride the highest. Last year’s World Championship team was basically wearing their pants as necklaces (accessorize!).
So, why should we care about any of these sports? Well, that is debatable, but in the end it comes down to personal preference of viewing and watching. If you have the choice of watching the Yankees play the Red Sox or watching Leif from Montreal show off his curling skills, it is a no-brainer as to which you will choose.
On the other hand, we need to support the obscure athletes of the world. As long as they’re passionate about what they do and how they do it, more power to ‘em. So here’s to you, athletes of obscure sports; keep doing stuff we don’t care about.
Contact Colin Zalewski at editor@whitworthian.com.
Sports Talk: Where did all the Olympic athletes go?
Published: Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Updated: Tuesday, October 27, 2009
3 comments
And it's a little unfair to say figure skaters lack the necessary athleticism to be entertaining. I mean... they're essentially spinning, sprinting, and flipping over for five minutes straight or more, wearing the equivalent of laced-up steak knives on their feet. Oh, and they're doing all of this on a giant sheet of ice. For most people in the world, this defies physics. If not the sequins, at least respect the sport.