To those of you who were in a coma over this last weekend, it is my misfortune to have to inform you that "New Moon," the latest film in the "Twilight" series, was released on Friday.
Before I begin, I must inform you that despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not a hater. As a fellow writer of fiction, I am forced to respect the feat that Stephanie Meyer has accomplished, in terms of success with her audience and crafting an engaging story. At the risk of my Man Card spontaneously combusting, I will admit that I read the first book. I will also admit that it wasn't all that bad.
However. There are several things that must be addressed. First of all, there is the sparkliness.
What was Meyer thinking? A story about vampires…that sparkle? Vampires… do not… sparkle! They guzzle the platelets of the living! They rise from the grave in the dead of night to stalk hapless innocents, may or may not transform into bats, have a deadly fear of crucifixes and are creatures of nightmare. Sunlight kills them. It burns their flesh like tissue paper under a blowtorch.
Vampires don't fear the sun because it might expose them as human disco balls; neither do they fear it because it makes them supernaturally attractive to teenage girls.
They fear it because it will ravage their bodies and leave them looking like that hamburger that Uncle Fred forgot to take off the barbecue on the 4th of July. They most definitely… do not… sparkle.
Neither, dear readers, can they have children. Those of you who haven't read all the books (or surfed Wikipedia like me) may not know that in the fourth volume, Bella (the girl) marries Edward (the vampire) and they have a child.
There are a few things that all vampires must be in order to be called vampires. Among these things are the need to drink blood, the fear of sunlight, and undeath. Yes - vampires are dead. Dead as doornails.
The vampiric curse that possesses their bodies is the only thing that allows them to walk, talk and suck the human jugular like a straw. Being dead, they categorically, emphatically, positively cannot have children. The dead do not produce life. There just really isn't any way around this.
Vampires reproduce by biting the heck out of people. Those that they don't drink dry become vampires. It might be argued that they do all sorts of horrifically inappropriate things in their spare time, but none of it will ever result in a child. If you don't believe me, retake biology.
Of course, Meyer's vamp does have a child, but not just any child - a freakish child that somehow is half-vampire and grows at the speed of light. Which might make sense... if it didn't totally not make any sense at all...
And then there's the other, smaller ways that Edward commits travesties upon the Vampire legend. He can read your thoughts. He can run faster than Speedy Gonzalez. He has super strength. None of these things are strictly canon.
Worst of all, however, is his propensity to spontaneously strip off his shirt. Admittedly, he does this in the films more than in the book. I can say this authoritatively in spite of the fact that I have not seen the films - he appears shirtless in the previews for "New Moon" alone more often than in all the books combined.
He and some other character will be walking along, making small talk, discussing the deer they've recently eaten (instead of humans, like real vampires), and all of a sudden for no apparent reason he'll strike an evocative pose, cue evocative techno music, and evocatively strip off his top.
It's rather pathetic, really. Throughout history, male vampires have seduced women, but Dracula somehow managed it without flinging clothing in every direction at the bat of an eyelash.
If we're honest, we'll admit that the purpose of these films is to allow countless teenage women to ogle the roided-out pecs of semi-attractive men. They are an assault on all that is good in the world. Things like "good acting," and "my eyes not bleeding." Women, don't fall for this carefully laid trap - Edward is not really a vampire.
The evidence is stacked against him. He sparkles. He doesn't drink blood. He has a child. He has the powers of Superman. And clothing leaps voluntarily off of his body. He is not a vampire. He is Tinkerbelle's mother-in-law.
And so, as the Twilight craze rages on, stand firm. Resist Edward's emo-siren call. Turn away from his fake-vampire allure and read something that will enrich your life.
Like The Muse. Good choice.
Contact Jerod Jarvis at jerod.jarvis@whitworthian.com.
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