OPINION: Women struggle with porn and masturbation too

The porn program last week addressed the key issues and opened doors for people to talk about the inner monster of secret sexual sin. One thing that was particularly well done in this case was the inclusion of women.

When I first saw the flyer, and how it said “a struggle for every man and woman,” the rarity of the inclusion of the last two words just caused them to jump off the page. It seemed to reach out and say “yes, you too.”

In case you didn’t know, women struggle with pornography and masturbation too. Women have sexual urges and sexual desires that cause them to fall into sin.

 

Sometimes those desires are purely emotional, but oftentimes they are physical, too. People need to understand that. People need to be willing to talk about it. Guys are getting good at bringing these things to the surface. Women, we need help bringing these issues into the open.

Some people know that women share in these struggles, but somehow when it really comes down to sitting in a small group and talking it out, people seem to make the assumption that no one there is really struggling.

As the women sat down in their discussion group after the mixed gender part of the program, the first question was about modesty - "how should women dress to help keep men from stumbling?"

 

The conversation moved to how it make us feel when men have posters of women on their walls, and then it moved to “how does the aggressive nature of porn make you feel?”

None of these topics really brought us to the heart of the issue. Is it not possible that women may be dealing with porn addiction themselves?

 

Didn't the statistics they gave say visitors to pornography sites are 72 percent male and 28 percent female? Didn’t the poster say it is a struggle for every man and woman?

It’s not that those topics aren’t crucial things to think about, but when they are used to dance around the real issue, we have a problem.

 

When we move on to other things to dismiss the main point, we are also dismissing those who struggle with it.

 

We must understand that secret sin is a dark cage; a monster within fighting to eat a person from the inside out. We must understand—or at least assume—that we are talking to someone who struggles with this when we talk about these issues, because a person craving healing is just waiting for the invitation, for the safe place to let it out. Women need to work on cultivating a safe environment for these issues.

That’s the crucial part. These problems become all-consuming when we try to deal with them alone. We have to expose the monster inside to the light so we can watch it melt like the Wicked Witch of the West and feel the freedom of having room to fill ourselves with things of beauty and the treasures of the heart.

People can spend years bringing these struggles close enough to the surface, to the point where they just can’t keep it in anymore. All it takes is a few ignorant people to make a woman struggling with this feel like an alien and send the struggle back into the depths of the her heart to grow in secret once more.

So what things do we say that invite openness? And what things do we accidentally say to make people feel like they have to go it alone?

In these kinds of discussions, avoid generalizations of any kind. The most common ones are that “women are emotional, not physical, so it’s not as much of a struggle for them.” Maybe that’s true, but put yourself in the shoes of someone ashamed and struggling.

 

When you say that, you are benefiting no one, but you are making the one who does struggle feel totally alone. And trust me, Satan is already doing a good enough job with that.

One generalization I heard at the discussion was that a lot of women who look at porn must have been abused and are using it to normalize what has happened to them. Another explanation was that women decide to look at it because they want to know how to please men, or because it makes them feel cooler, like they can relate to men.

 

These are all good theories, but what about the women who don’t have these excuses? We can’t deny the possibility that this perversion can ensnare and devastate women too. A woman shouldn’t have to question her womanhood because she struggles with porn or masturbation.

Never respond by saying “well, I don’t struggle with that.” The only reason to say such a thing would be to make you feel superior. Humility on the part of those who don’t struggle will open doors for those who do. If you want to fight this problem, realize that every person has the potential for every kind of sin. Don't underestimate the enemy's power.

A good first step was made toward the inclusion of women in this issue, and in the end we were able to make room for some honest sharing. Now, women, we need to do our part to continue to leave room for people to respond and come out of hiding.

 Contact Jacquelyn Wheeler at jacquelyn.wheeler@whitworthian.com.