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Coming from Los Angeles to Spokane for school was traumatizing, to say the least.
It wasn’t the sheer number of white people. It wasn’t all the scary home schooled students that tried to convert and save me.
Nor was it all the blatant proselytizing by individuals who felt they knew what was best for my Episcopalian soul (I didn’t know this, but Presbyterianism is apparently the correct answer). It was everyone’s earthiness that unsettled me.
I have traveled a fair bit and never really experienced culture shock. Maybe it’s because I’m Asian. We’re accustomed to upsets in our lives. Take for instance the Opium Wars. Dr. Anthony Clark tells us that apparently, the Opium Wars were big upsets in the Chinese world.
When I came to Whitworth, I experienced severe culture shock that cut to the core of my being. According to my father, my search for the perfect fit should only need to take into account the academic rigor of classes and the like. So during my college search, I decided that visiting the college was not an integral part of the process and therefore, was wholly unnecessary.
Recreational activities are superfluous and will invariably lead me on the path to perdition. After all, life is all about studying. Based on the important life lessons imparted on me by my father, I chose Whitworth because it would infuriate him, and it did.
My first day on campus at Whitworth was the first day of school. All I really knew about Whitworth was that I didn’t need to write an essay, the school would give me money and that it was in this sad little place called Spo-cane. I was deeply unhappy. But the terrible clothes! That just made the situation even more depressing.
There is no doubt a very unique fashion culture at Whitworth. I call it the “Let’s-bring-in-elements-of-Portland-and-Seattle-into-Spokane-to-try-and-look-like-a-liberal-hipster-even-though-I-have-deep-seated-Christian-and-Conservative-ideals-that-will-not-change.”
Everywhere I looked, there were students that tried to look like earth children with their exorbitantly priced and garishly colored flannel, meticulously pre-distressed to look grimy and old, jeans with washes specifically designed to look grubby, and North Face sweater/jacket deals that don’t actually keep one’s body warm. I decided that this was carefully planned to project an image of nonchalant coolness. Dirt makes one look cool, whatever that means.
In an effort to try and fit into Whitworth, I tried to dress like everyone else. I believe that was a low point in my life, but I will now present this list for the benefit of those hapless freshmen that haven’t fit in yet:
Roll up your right pant leg, and leave it like that for the rest of your day. It will help other individuals immediately identify you as a bike rider.
Extra points if you have splashes of mud on your exposed leg. This will demonstrate that you ride long distances in an effort to eliminate greenhouse emissions. This is cool.
Purchase a North Face product and make sure the logo is prominently displayed. Although the heat retaining capacity of North Face products are not readily apparent, these items are expensive, and everyone will know it when they see your North Face item. This is cool. Substitution of normal fleeces for North Face jackets is not acceptable, nor is it cool.
Get a Nalgene water bottle. This fits right in with the Whitworth and Pacific Northwest ethos. Nalgenes are environmentally friendly, and they come in all these pretty colors.
Clip them onto your North Face backpack, and everyone will like you. This is cool. It’s just a pity that the bottles aren’t shiny. Then, even the birds will have one.
Carry an acoustic guitar on your back as you walk around and learn songs about Jesus. For females, this will show everyone how emancipated one is from traditionally stereotyped gender roles.
Everyone knows that back in the day, good Christian girls weren’t allowed to play the guitar. Plus, it screams “I love Jesus when I play my guitar, but I’m sassy too.”
For males, this will get you emancipated Christian girls. Luring girls during impromptu Jesus veneration sessions in the loop with your acoustic guitar is cool.
Girls that fall for this are cool because they’ll get their Ring by Spring, singing their way to blissful matrimony instead of actually interacting with their potentials spouses.
Wear Tom’s shoes. They’re quite earthy looking and support a cause, and that’s what Whitworth is all about. That’s Cool.
Conversely, don’t wear shoes. This proves that you’re devoted to a cause, and not just on Facebook. Causes are Cool.
These are foolproof suggestions to make friends and be happy. I haven’t followed any of my nuggets of wisdom, and as a result, I have seven friends and twitch from my inability to fit in.
Go forth faithful readers, and support the economy by buying lots of useless and expensive stuff.
Wu is a junior majoring in political science. Comments can be sent to iris.wu@whitworthian.com.
13 comments
I totally conform, this article is hilarious
Iris, clearly your favorite writer
stupid captcha threw me off.
too bad i have a whitworth nalgene bottle, i've given in...just a little.
Ultimate cool thing for girls = taking your picture wearing a black North Face fleece whilst pointing at shiny new ring by spring with shiny new fiance.
Enjoy the people you meet at Whitworth, when you go back to LA, you might miss them. Just a little.