2008 Woodie Awards
Interactive theater: Untie the Movietalkers tongue!
Daniel Walters, Opinions Editor
Issue date: 2/27/07
Last Updated: 8/9/07
So there you are at the movie theatre, $35 popcorn in your lap and a $20 cup of Dr. Pepper spilled on the floor. After 45 minutes of Pepsi ads the lights dim and the Regal Cinemas Feature Presentation Roller Coaster Ride commences.
And perfectly on cue, somebody behind you starts talking. They're actually having a conversation in the middle of the theatre! There's babble during "Babel," and "Silent Hill" has never been louder. Who could possibly be that rude?
I could.
Yes, my fellow cinemagoers. It's me. I'm the one who's chatting all throughout your cinematic experience. (I'm also the guy who cut you off on Division and who forgets to flush the toilet. I regret nothing!)
Sure, I may be the type of date who stays completely silent during dinner and talks during the entire movie. But you know what? I'm sick of your complaining! I'm sick of your "shushing." Nobody wants to go to a movie to hear a chorus of "shhh!" drowning out our comments on the movie. And we Movietalkers are sick of being mocked by comedians. We're sick of being painted in one clumsy monolithic brushstroke.
In reality, Movietalkers are made of hundreds of different subgroups, each with their own motives, style of dress, secret handshake and catchy Seinfeldesque name. We're like the Sunnis and Shiites, except instead of causing sectarian strife in Iraq, we talk during movies. Here's a quick field guide to the Movietalkers most common to the Northwest Habitat:
The Joker: Not to be confused with the more annoying movie patrons the Smoker and the Midnight Toker, the Joker fires off enough wry, cynical, one-liners to make a heaping bowl of wry, cynical one-liner stew. He is Tom Servo. And the world is his Mystery Science Theatre.
A good Joker's off-the-cuff remarks can get a laugh during even the most unfunny movies, including "Schindler's List," "Saving Private Ryan" and "Big Momma's House 2."
The Cassandra: Cassandras use their well-honed knowledge of cinema to foresee tragedy. Their desperate warnings, however, go unheeded. At times, I've been a Cassandra.
And perfectly on cue, somebody behind you starts talking. They're actually having a conversation in the middle of the theatre! There's babble during "Babel," and "Silent Hill" has never been louder. Who could possibly be that rude?
I could.
Yes, my fellow cinemagoers. It's me. I'm the one who's chatting all throughout your cinematic experience. (I'm also the guy who cut you off on Division and who forgets to flush the toilet. I regret nothing!)
Sure, I may be the type of date who stays completely silent during dinner and talks during the entire movie. But you know what? I'm sick of your complaining! I'm sick of your "shushing." Nobody wants to go to a movie to hear a chorus of "shhh!" drowning out our comments on the movie. And we Movietalkers are sick of being mocked by comedians. We're sick of being painted in one clumsy monolithic brushstroke.
In reality, Movietalkers are made of hundreds of different subgroups, each with their own motives, style of dress, secret handshake and catchy Seinfeldesque name. We're like the Sunnis and Shiites, except instead of causing sectarian strife in Iraq, we talk during movies. Here's a quick field guide to the Movietalkers most common to the Northwest Habitat:
The Joker: Not to be confused with the more annoying movie patrons the Smoker and the Midnight Toker, the Joker fires off enough wry, cynical, one-liners to make a heaping bowl of wry, cynical one-liner stew. He is Tom Servo. And the world is his Mystery Science Theatre.
A good Joker's off-the-cuff remarks can get a laugh during even the most unfunny movies, including "Schindler's List," "Saving Private Ryan" and "Big Momma's House 2."
The Cassandra: Cassandras use their well-honed knowledge of cinema to foresee tragedy. Their desperate warnings, however, go unheeded. At times, I've been a Cassandra.
For this reason, The Whitworthian asks readers to be responsible and respectful in any comments posted. The responsibility for statements posted lies with the person submitting the comment, not the whitworthian.com. Readers are also encouraged to report questionable comments by e-mailing editor@whitworthian.com.
Be the first to comment on this story