2008 Woodie Awards
Interactive theater: Untie the Movietalkers tongue!
Daniel Walters, Opinions Editor
Issue date: 2/27/07
Last Updated: 8/9/07
Sometimes I warn the characters in the movie. Like during "Passion of the Christ."
"Don't go in the garden, Jesus! It's a trap!"
Sometimes I warn the audience. Like during "The DaVinci Code."
"Don't watch the movie!" I frantically yell, hoping I'm not too late. "It's not a very good movie!"
The Questioner: Questioners have an insatiable curiosity, which, while an endearing quality in monkeys, can be a bit aggravating at the theater. Questioners will ask you a series of questions they'd know the answer to if they'd been paying attention to the movie instead of asking questions. Keep your answers simple, and don't lose your cool:
"I swear I've seen that actor before! What was he in?"
"Samuel L. Jackson? No, I think this is the only movie he's ever been in." "Is that hooded man a bad guy?"
"Who? The fellow with the chain saw in his hook hand and the blood of innocent children dripping from his gnarled fangs? Nah, he's just misunderstood. Bad family situation and all."
The Spoiler: Normally the moviegoer has to sit through two hours of exposition to see the stunning plot twist - that M. Night Shayamalan actually isn't a very good director. But not when a Spoiler's in the midst.
"So, I hear that in this movie, Keyser Söze is really Spiderman's father - who turns out to be not only a woman, but actually dead the entire time. Also, Snape is Dumbledore."
The Nitpicker: Given a choice between Enjoying the Movie and Being Miserable In Order to Look Like a Snobby Intellectual Schmuck, the Nitpicker will always pick the latter. They'll constantly correct a movie's countless flaws with a nasally sneer, beginning every comment with a derisive snort and the word "Act-tually." Many of their words are italized.
"Act-ually, at the angle and velocity that bus was traveling there's no way it could possibly jump over the bridge."
"Act-ually, it's highly unlikely that such an inexperienced youngster could ride a cheetah for that distance, even taking into account possible unexplored chemical abilities granted by THC."
"Don't go in the garden, Jesus! It's a trap!"
Sometimes I warn the audience. Like during "The DaVinci Code."
"Don't watch the movie!" I frantically yell, hoping I'm not too late. "It's not a very good movie!"
The Questioner: Questioners have an insatiable curiosity, which, while an endearing quality in monkeys, can be a bit aggravating at the theater. Questioners will ask you a series of questions they'd know the answer to if they'd been paying attention to the movie instead of asking questions. Keep your answers simple, and don't lose your cool:
"I swear I've seen that actor before! What was he in?"
"Samuel L. Jackson? No, I think this is the only movie he's ever been in." "Is that hooded man a bad guy?"
"Who? The fellow with the chain saw in his hook hand and the blood of innocent children dripping from his gnarled fangs? Nah, he's just misunderstood. Bad family situation and all."
The Spoiler: Normally the moviegoer has to sit through two hours of exposition to see the stunning plot twist - that M. Night Shayamalan actually isn't a very good director. But not when a Spoiler's in the midst.
"So, I hear that in this movie, Keyser Söze is really Spiderman's father - who turns out to be not only a woman, but actually dead the entire time. Also, Snape is Dumbledore."
The Nitpicker: Given a choice between Enjoying the Movie and Being Miserable In Order to Look Like a Snobby Intellectual Schmuck, the Nitpicker will always pick the latter. They'll constantly correct a movie's countless flaws with a nasally sneer, beginning every comment with a derisive snort and the word "Act-tually." Many of their words are italized.
"Act-ually, at the angle and velocity that bus was traveling there's no way it could possibly jump over the bridge."
"Act-ually, it's highly unlikely that such an inexperienced youngster could ride a cheetah for that distance, even taking into account possible unexplored chemical abilities granted by THC."
For this reason, The Whitworthian asks readers to be responsible and respectful in any comments posted. The responsibility for statements posted lies with the person submitting the comment, not the whitworthian.com. Readers are also encouraged to report questionable comments by e-mailing editor@whitworthian.com.
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