2008 Woodie Awards
Follow Bush and win a trip to Iran
Galen Sanford, Staff Writer
Issue date: 2/20/07
Last Updated: 8/9/07
Al Qaeda and Iraq aren't really connected, but Bush got his mandate from the support we showed him on Sept. 12. Now, Bush is stretching that mandate again. He's starting to use some of the same rhetoric he used in the escalation preceding the invasion of Iraq. Iraq was aiding terrorists, and threatening democracy and developing weapons of mass destruction. Apparently, Iran is now aiding terrorists in Iraq (or the founding fathers, as Iraqi textbooks will call them), is a constant threat to democracy and is most definitely (Colin Powell is sure this time) developing nukes. So, the logical response is to offer them petty economic incentives, and then bomb them. But that might be a bad idea.
Look at Iran on a map. See their neighbors? See its coastline on the Persian Gulf? See the tiny straight between Iran and the United Arab Emirates? As my friend Mike wrote in a recent policy paper: Iran probably couldn't beat us in an all-out war, but they could really screw stuff up. For instance, if Iran closes that straight, all oil shipments from the Persian Gulf will be effectively stopped.
It gets worse. The United States standing army is stretched thin. National Guard members (key word: National) are in Iraq already and they're the last to go before a draft. So, there is a likelihood that if the United States invades Iran, you'll get to go. What I'm saying is if you don't want to ensure Iran becomes a democracy just like the United States, you might want to go to Canada now. The borders are already closed, so if you don't have a passport, sorry, and tell Halliburton's Iran office "Hi" for me.
It's really too late now. There's nothing you can do. Writing, calling and e-mailing your congress-people would be too much work.
Blogging up a storm, creating petitions, making indie films, writing songs, poetry and political satires has never worked in the past. Protesting is so 1960s. Generally speaking, thinking critically and speaking up is really depressing. The best idea is obvious: go wait in security at the Spokane airport - in case Al Qaeda wants to fly to Boise - buy a Spokesman Review, since that paper won't bug you about Iran, and fly to Las Vegas. Get married and have some kids and buy a gun. Especially the gun, because Iran's dictator is running out of babies.
Look at Iran on a map. See their neighbors? See its coastline on the Persian Gulf? See the tiny straight between Iran and the United Arab Emirates? As my friend Mike wrote in a recent policy paper: Iran probably couldn't beat us in an all-out war, but they could really screw stuff up. For instance, if Iran closes that straight, all oil shipments from the Persian Gulf will be effectively stopped.
It gets worse. The United States standing army is stretched thin. National Guard members (key word: National) are in Iraq already and they're the last to go before a draft. So, there is a likelihood that if the United States invades Iran, you'll get to go. What I'm saying is if you don't want to ensure Iran becomes a democracy just like the United States, you might want to go to Canada now. The borders are already closed, so if you don't have a passport, sorry, and tell Halliburton's Iran office "Hi" for me.
It's really too late now. There's nothing you can do. Writing, calling and e-mailing your congress-people would be too much work.
Blogging up a storm, creating petitions, making indie films, writing songs, poetry and political satires has never worked in the past. Protesting is so 1960s. Generally speaking, thinking critically and speaking up is really depressing. The best idea is obvious: go wait in security at the Spokane airport - in case Al Qaeda wants to fly to Boise - buy a Spokesman Review, since that paper won't bug you about Iran, and fly to Las Vegas. Get married and have some kids and buy a gun. Especially the gun, because Iran's dictator is running out of babies.
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