2008 Woodie Awards
HUMOR: Register your license to kill
Daniel Walters, Opinions Editor
Issue date: 11/14/06
Last Updated: 12/26/07
JAMES BOND- Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
Throughout history, the James Bond franchise has taught society much about life, love, and the dangers of glittery body paint. Naturally, with over twenty films, Bond has spawned countless parodies, including "Austin Powers," "Johnny English," "Spy Hard," "An Inconvenient Truth" and "Die Another Day." The franchise is best known for its exotic locations (Oz; Cleveland; Inside the Lymphatic system), vibrant villains (The Man with the Golden Finger; Dr. No-Means-Yes; Jaws; Jaws 3D; Oddjaws; Rupert Murdoch and about 16 Blofelds) and promiscuous women (Your mom).
In the latest installment, "Casino Royale," James Bond (Peter Sellers) must win a high stakes game of 52 Pickup at the famed Northern Qwest Casino. The villain is French, so it's a very short movie. Some Bond fans are skeptical of this latest offering, since this Bond film lacks gadgets, Q, Moneypenny, women, action scenes, martinis, car chases and James Bond. Technically, the entire movie is simply a re-released version of "March of the Penguins" with a slightly different title screen.
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However, as accurate as this cut and pasted Wikipedia article is, it fails to show Bond's appeal. The Bond series is like "Pride and Prejudice" for guys. Every guy, in some way, secretly wants to be Elizabeth Bennett er… James Bond, for several reasons.
1) Bond isn't burdened by pesky emotions. Guys hate emotions. Bond can watch his girlfriend get thrown into a laminator before his eyes and react only by adjusting his bowtie, turning to the nearest lady and saying, "So… what are you doing later tonight..."
Sure, there are emotions guys enjoy, like righteous fury and blood lust. But most ("ennui?" "malaise?" "contentment?") are for sissies. Sometimes I think that without emotions, I would truly be happy. Then I adjust my black rimmed glasses, crank up some Fall Out Boy and post a heart-wrenching lowercase diatribe on Myspace.
2) Bond gets to shoot Communists. Sadly, shooting communists is frowned upon in our super-touchy liberal ultra-PC society. Oh, what wonderfully scampish fun I could have with a License to Kill:
Throughout history, the James Bond franchise has taught society much about life, love, and the dangers of glittery body paint. Naturally, with over twenty films, Bond has spawned countless parodies, including "Austin Powers," "Johnny English," "Spy Hard," "An Inconvenient Truth" and "Die Another Day." The franchise is best known for its exotic locations (Oz; Cleveland; Inside the Lymphatic system), vibrant villains (The Man with the Golden Finger; Dr. No-Means-Yes; Jaws; Jaws 3D; Oddjaws; Rupert Murdoch and about 16 Blofelds) and promiscuous women (Your mom).
In the latest installment, "Casino Royale," James Bond (Peter Sellers) must win a high stakes game of 52 Pickup at the famed Northern Qwest Casino. The villain is French, so it's a very short movie. Some Bond fans are skeptical of this latest offering, since this Bond film lacks gadgets, Q, Moneypenny, women, action scenes, martinis, car chases and James Bond. Technically, the entire movie is simply a re-released version of "March of the Penguins" with a slightly different title screen.
---
However, as accurate as this cut and pasted Wikipedia article is, it fails to show Bond's appeal. The Bond series is like "Pride and Prejudice" for guys. Every guy, in some way, secretly wants to be Elizabeth Bennett er… James Bond, for several reasons.
1) Bond isn't burdened by pesky emotions. Guys hate emotions. Bond can watch his girlfriend get thrown into a laminator before his eyes and react only by adjusting his bowtie, turning to the nearest lady and saying, "So… what are you doing later tonight..."
Sure, there are emotions guys enjoy, like righteous fury and blood lust. But most ("ennui?" "malaise?" "contentment?") are for sissies. Sometimes I think that without emotions, I would truly be happy. Then I adjust my black rimmed glasses, crank up some Fall Out Boy and post a heart-wrenching lowercase diatribe on Myspace.
2) Bond gets to shoot Communists. Sadly, shooting communists is frowned upon in our super-touchy liberal ultra-PC society. Oh, what wonderfully scampish fun I could have with a License to Kill:
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