2008 Woodie Awards
HUMOR: Register your license to kill
Daniel Walters, Opinions Editor
Issue date: 11/14/06
Last Updated: 12/26/07
Policeman: Can I see your license and registration?
Me: Here's my License to Kill and my Registration to Maim.
Policeman: Uh… I'm just going to let myself go with a warning. Cheerio!
3) Bond has an impressive mechanical acumen. He can guide any gadget and work any widget. MIG Jet? Death Star? Quantum Nuetronifier? No problem! He can get his lawn mower started on the first pull, can program his VCR clock and in probably the most unrealistic aspect of the Bond series, can drive a clutch without killing the engine at the intersection of Hawthorne and Waikiki. Not only that, but he has an assistant devoted entirely to getting him new stuff. It's like having a personal 24-hour Santa Claus: Hey 007, I was at Walgreens the other day, and picked you up this: An iPod which can hold over 60 gigs of music, pictures, and episodes of "The O.C."
Bond: Impressive.
Q: Also, this button, instead of adjusting the Treble-Bass balance, makes it shoot fire.
Bond: Blimey.
Q: And finally, it absolutely refuses to play any music by John Mayer.
Bond: You've really outdone yourself this time, Q.
Q *Sheepishly*: Ah, it was nothing.
Bond, however, instinctually knows how to use these gadgets. I'd likely blow up the Kremlin trying to set my Bond Watch for Daylights Saving Time.
4) Bond is suave around the lady-folk. Bond fires off a sultry one-liner, a wry grin, a casual shoot out, an invitation to coffee and then BAM! (I'm not sure what happens next because my parents always cover my eyes.) This is opposed to my wooing technique of "Why hello, beautiful girl. Let us now debate controversial political, moral and religious issues, whilst I take a whatever position is exactly opposite to what you hold dear, to ensure that the discussion is lively!" Surprisingly, this isn't nearly effective.
5) Finally, the number one reason that guys are jealous of James Bond: He gets away with making puns. When Bond makes a pun, the surrounding women titter and swoon at his razor-sharp wit, whereas if I make a pun the surrounding women roll their eyes at my razor-sharp wit and sometimes throw rocks at me. Not only that, but fate constantly goes out of its way just to hand Bond delicious pun opportunities.
Me: Here's my License to Kill and my Registration to Maim.
Policeman: Uh… I'm just going to let myself go with a warning. Cheerio!
3) Bond has an impressive mechanical acumen. He can guide any gadget and work any widget. MIG Jet? Death Star? Quantum Nuetronifier? No problem! He can get his lawn mower started on the first pull, can program his VCR clock and in probably the most unrealistic aspect of the Bond series, can drive a clutch without killing the engine at the intersection of Hawthorne and Waikiki. Not only that, but he has an assistant devoted entirely to getting him new stuff. It's like having a personal 24-hour Santa Claus: Hey 007, I was at Walgreens the other day, and picked you up this: An iPod which can hold over 60 gigs of music, pictures, and episodes of "The O.C."
Bond: Impressive.
Q: Also, this button, instead of adjusting the Treble-Bass balance, makes it shoot fire.
Bond: Blimey.
Q: And finally, it absolutely refuses to play any music by John Mayer.
Bond: You've really outdone yourself this time, Q.
Q *Sheepishly*: Ah, it was nothing.
Bond, however, instinctually knows how to use these gadgets. I'd likely blow up the Kremlin trying to set my Bond Watch for Daylights Saving Time.
4) Bond is suave around the lady-folk. Bond fires off a sultry one-liner, a wry grin, a casual shoot out, an invitation to coffee and then BAM! (I'm not sure what happens next because my parents always cover my eyes.) This is opposed to my wooing technique of "Why hello, beautiful girl. Let us now debate controversial political, moral and religious issues, whilst I take a whatever position is exactly opposite to what you hold dear, to ensure that the discussion is lively!" Surprisingly, this isn't nearly effective.
5) Finally, the number one reason that guys are jealous of James Bond: He gets away with making puns. When Bond makes a pun, the surrounding women titter and swoon at his razor-sharp wit, whereas if I make a pun the surrounding women roll their eyes at my razor-sharp wit and sometimes throw rocks at me. Not only that, but fate constantly goes out of its way just to hand Bond delicious pun opportunities.
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