2008 Woodie Awards
HUMOR: To vote, or not to vote? A Republican question.
Daniel Walters, Opinions Editor
Issue date: 10/24/06
Last Updated: 12/26/07
This November 7, thousands of citizens will get off work, drive down to their polling place, realize that this year votes are supposed to be mailed in, say "screw it" and go get a bite to eat at Taco Bell.
In America, sadly, most elections have the turnout of a meeting of the WSU Abstinence Club.
Whatever happened to the good ol' days, in the 1890s, where the number of votes often eclipsed the number of people in the city? Even the dead took time off from Compost Development and Maggot Networking to cast a vote against immigrants, unions and election reform. If you asked any man if they'd voted, they would have given a thumbs-up, had their thumbs not been mishandled, misplaced, mislabeled as "veal," and distributed to the local Wendy's franchise.
Many liberals have a fervent hope, that if only they could convince more people to vote, then maybe they'd vote correctly. Who cares if you don't know the issues, they say. Pick the guy with the funniest name! (Schwarzenegger! Spiro Agnew! Grover!)
When I go to vote, however, I meticulously study up on the issues, analyze each candidate's experience and previous performances in past positions, read hundreds of Op-Eds from columnists on all sides of the political spectrum, and then go to the voting booth and mark every name that has an (R) next to it. Since I'm a Republican, I really don't have a choice who to vote for.
Remember, politics is a lot like sports. (And those who say that only politicians can start wars, don't know much about the Oakland Raiders.)
You choose a team (Go Salk Middle School Spartans!) and root for them no matter how or what they do. So what if the bat boy was caught taking steroids, or the running back killed his wife, or your team broke into the opposing team's locker room to steal their playbook? They're your team.
So even if Hillary Clinton and Noam Chomsky ran on a platform of giving each citizen one free gay marriage for every two abortions, but ran as a Republican, I'd have to vote for her. Them's the rules.
In America, sadly, most elections have the turnout of a meeting of the WSU Abstinence Club.
Whatever happened to the good ol' days, in the 1890s, where the number of votes often eclipsed the number of people in the city? Even the dead took time off from Compost Development and Maggot Networking to cast a vote against immigrants, unions and election reform. If you asked any man if they'd voted, they would have given a thumbs-up, had their thumbs not been mishandled, misplaced, mislabeled as "veal," and distributed to the local Wendy's franchise.
Many liberals have a fervent hope, that if only they could convince more people to vote, then maybe they'd vote correctly. Who cares if you don't know the issues, they say. Pick the guy with the funniest name! (Schwarzenegger! Spiro Agnew! Grover!)
When I go to vote, however, I meticulously study up on the issues, analyze each candidate's experience and previous performances in past positions, read hundreds of Op-Eds from columnists on all sides of the political spectrum, and then go to the voting booth and mark every name that has an (R) next to it. Since I'm a Republican, I really don't have a choice who to vote for.
Remember, politics is a lot like sports. (And those who say that only politicians can start wars, don't know much about the Oakland Raiders.)
You choose a team (Go Salk Middle School Spartans!) and root for them no matter how or what they do. So what if the bat boy was caught taking steroids, or the running back killed his wife, or your team broke into the opposing team's locker room to steal their playbook? They're your team.
So even if Hillary Clinton and Noam Chomsky ran on a platform of giving each citizen one free gay marriage for every two abortions, but ran as a Republican, I'd have to vote for her. Them's the rules.
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